Lone Survivor

Excuse me while I write one here that is maybe not as cheerful as normal. I’m not depressed or looking for your pity, but I would like to write about the current situation and analyze it a bit. I think it helps me cope.

I remember this feeling I had when I heard that my site was going to be Vardenis. I knew that Wayne was there but quickly leaving. And I knew I would be alone. I didn’t know what to think of that at the time. I was living in a training village with 7 close American friends. It seemed like we could get through anything with each other’s support. But how would I survive out there without them?

Then I learned that some Danish kid would be coming at the same time as me and staying for 3 months. It seemed to be a life preserver thrown my way.

Then I learned that there were going to be 2 Polish girls coming too. All of the sudden the idea of Vardenis changed from a desolate outpost barely on the PC radar to an EU convention. I was happy about it and felt lucky.

Then Wayne left. It was very weird to see him go. To see him wrapping up over 2 years of his life in this strange place. Especially at a time when I was struggling to come to terms with Vardenis as home for me for the next 2 years. There was a big part of me that wished I was getting on the plane with him.

Next was Morten. His 3 months seemed to go pretty quick and soon my best bud was gone. I can say that I was closer to him than to anyone in the PC at the time. It felt like a loss, yet it gave me room to focus more on work and integration.

A few months later Ula left. Again, a feeling of loss. A different atmosphere without her. Another empty chair at the office. Another Westerner bites the dust!

Finally, Aga leaves several months later. Of course, a huge blow.

Even though I knew it was coming, there is no way to prepare yourself.

And here I am, for 15 more months.

I don’t think the dust has settled yet. I’m not quite sure what to make of the situation. There certainly is a hole in my life to fill. Sometimes when you have a hole in your life, you don’t know what to use to fill it in. If you fill it with the wrong stuff, say, the plastic bags and garbage that are lying all over the place here, you really haven’t done yourself a service. You just have a squishy and stinky circular area in the middle of your field. But if you go to the other extreme and just pave over it, well, you can never plant anything in that hole ever again. Even in a perfect situation, maybe the field will never look quite like it did. In fact, it won’t. That’s for sure. But perhaps it could be good to find a tree to plant in that hole so that the future will be beautiful.

That’s where I am right now, trying to find a tree.


7 Responses to “Lone Survivor”

  1. kelsey Says:

    love you kev ❤ maybe just leave that hole open for a bit. something good that you've yet to discover may be the perfect fit to make things whole again 🙂

  2. Peter Says:


    I think you’re well on your way – you’ve already passed step 1 which is admit there is a hole hehe.

    Most people would say something generic like learn a new language or find a new hobby. But you’re doing both of those pretty much on a daily basis. I’d say something athletic. You’ve already done team sports and running, maybe it’s time to give resistance training a good shot. You don’t need fancy weights to work most of your muscles, you can use your own weight for resistance with push ups/dips/sit ups/etc. You already have probably about as low body fat as you have had in awhile judging on photos. We are all expecting you to have a six pack next time we see you.

  3. icenugget Says:

    Hello, my name is Kevin and I have a hole.

    Something about it just doesn’t sound right…

    Thanks for the advice guys. And Peter, you’re spot on. Actually I’ve been focusing on body weight exercises the last couple months and am really enjoying it. I’m to the point where when it’s a rest day I’m disappointed.

    Okay, I’ll just put it out there: 100 pushups in a row – that’s the goal now, and there’s a lot of work to do!

  4. Gail Says:

    Kev, think how Wayne must have felt when he was the lone guy in Vardenis for a while. I think it’s a good lesson in paying it forward, so as new folks, American or other, come to Vardenis or a nearby village, make the extra effort to “friend” them.

    100 pushups—that’s a lofty goal….at least in my mind!!! Love you!

  5. icenugget Says:

    Good advice Gail.

    If my noodles can do 100 pushups either there is a God or there are steroids in these mysterious Russian Vitamin C alka-seltzery things I’m taking.

  6. ejehle86 Says:

    I’m right here with you, Kevin!!!! Hang in there!!!

  7. Peter Says:

    Have you seen the current icenugget.com? What a joke, the way they desecrated what you once made glorious.

    Also, we switched to windows7 and I lost all my links, so I unknowingly typed in icenugget.blogspot.com. Kinda funny actually.


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